Congress did away with the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy today, leaving the military to make some different decisions. The Navy immediately offered training for a new group of special ops to be known as the “Navy Starfishesisis.” The Navy Starfishesisises will be heavily trained in defense and offensive skills such as ripping enemy penises off with their mouth as well as torturing the enemy with classified sodomy. The military also will be consulting with Dolce and Gabbana, Versache, and Prada to come up with an outfit fitting and acceptable to the homosexual community.
Actress Gabourey Sidibe is depressed after making a BIG FAT IMPACT as “Precious.” The actress said no one really cares about the show about the lady with cancer and no movie roles have called for someone who weighs enough to be considered a heart attack risk. Insiders say even A list actors like Morgan Freeman, Samuel L. Jackson, Denzell Washington, and Brad Pitt refuse to work with Gabourey because “she fucking stinks like a fat mothefucker does” Samuel Jakcson said. Gabourey is rumored to be using food to cope with her depression which should soon give TLC a new “Half Ton” show to be called “Half Ton Celebrity.”
The Undertaker has been quite a busy man. Not only wrestling, but single handedly taking care of all the funeral arrangements of dead wrestlers. Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit and family, Mr. Perfect, Brian Pillman, Earthquake, and all the other dead wrestlers but nothing could have been more special than what he put together for the Macho Man. Funeral arrangements included Slim Jims for everyone in attendance as well as replica belts for all the nerds(fans) attending as well.